Kim Kardashian's new haircut: why it will ruin her life.

Oct 04, 2023

I can count on one hand the number of times I have felt truly content with life, and standing in the swanky bar of an opulent Sydney hotel hugging double Oscar-winner Emma Thompson is definitively one of them.

And it wasn't all due to the hug, although it was as warm and engaging as you'd expect from an iconic British movie star. It was because of the interview we've just completed, which had twisted and turned through everything from motherhood regret to movies and orgasms.

It was a rare case of meeting your heroes actually having a happy ending.

As I exited the hotel, still on a high, I asked my podcast producer if I could see the picture she'd snapped of us post-interview. Within the tangle of recording equipment in her arms she unearthed the phone, and I looked eagerly for the little keepsake of me and the woman whose movies I'd grown up watching.

But there in the picture, nestled between Emma, the film's director Sophie Hyde and I, was my eternal nemesis. The one thing guaranteed to surreptitiously ruin all of my photos, special events, and relationships (and not always in that order). A spectre that has plagued me throughout childhood and into my adult years.

My fringe.

And not just my fringe, if you think this story is sounding a little too dramatic (although if that is the case already, I suggest you do not read any further) but the shape in which the small section of hair that hung across my forehead had contorted itself into.

Because despite the extensive blow-drying that had taken place that morning, the rollers that were wound through it, and the blend of hairspray and dry shampoo that were sprayed with such intensity that their combined potency would decimate a trio of elephants, my carefully quaffed fringe now closely resembled two freeze-dried worms.

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This didn't take away from the quality of the interview, of course, or the experience, but it will always be there in the photo. The Love Actually star, the acclaimed director, two uninvited slugs and me.

Definitely not a children's book I'm hankering to read.

The point is, it is a truth universally unacknowledged that there are two types of people in the world. Those who experience all that life has to offer, and those with fringes. Destined to forever act as slaves to the tiny dictators that occupy our foreheads.

This past weekend, Kim Kardashian became one of the latter.

Truth be told, I've never really felt a sense of comradery with the reality star in the past. Except maybe that time she whacked one of her sisters in the face with a giant handbag after being pushed that little bit too far.

But when pictures of her surfaced from a charity event this weekend, it felt like we had suddenly been drafted to the same team.

All because atop her intensely photographed face sat a new fringe, and I would bet my most prized possession (my Buffy The Vampire Slayer DVD collection, of course) that this fringe looked remarkably different at the outdoor event than it had looked the moment she left her beige prison house.

Kim Kardashian's new fringe in the wild. Image: Getty.

I didn't need to view the comments to see which way the public's opinion of this new hairstyle would skew, but a quick scan of the various opinions located beneath the photos quickly confirmed my suspicions.

The majority of them do not need to be repeated here or anywhere else, but there were many comments wondering if the new look was channeling the energy of her upcoming American Horror Story season.

Now, I'm not here to weigh in on whether the fringe looked good or bad, that's for Kim Kardashian and the legion of minions who style her and do her bidding to decide. It's also unclear if that is her own hair, but I suspect that more likely it's been procured from a secondary source. Nevertheless, at this point in time the one thing I would tell the woman who changed the face of pop culture is that in some way, shape or form, a fringe will always ruin your life.

You see, a fringe requires an extensive amount of emotional labour, tough love, and expertise to maintain.

To put things in perspective: I don't have children of my own, but I've heard rumours that they can be a lot of work. That they require patience, cost you a bundle, sometimes refuse to sleep, or even demand their food be cut into ludicrous shapes and sizes. Only to then throw said food on the floor and refuse to eat it anyway.

Well, I see your slightly troublesome child and raise you a piece of hair so temperamental it should only exist inside a glass case, sealed away from the elements in a dystopian bunker.

Maybe no one explained this to you Kim, but a fringe cannot encounter wind. It cannot be in the presence of rain. A fringe must not sit too far away from your forehead but at the same time, it must not come in contact with your skin.

A fringe is easily spooked, often temperamental, and requires its own washing and drying schedule separate from that of your main hair. A fringe will seem like a good idea at the time, until you stumble home late at night and dream of tumbling into bed. Only to realise, with a sense of dread rising in your throat, that it's been two days since your fringe received its ritual bath, and so you trudge reluctantly to the shower to do its bidding.

And before you scream to the heavens 'You don't need to have a fringe, you can break this cycle of abuse!' it must be noted that for some of us, it is not a choice.

I am not sure whether it's because my mother mentioned as a child that I have a big face or I did something bad in a past life in order to deserve this, but the fringe and I are stuck together for life.

It's just not a decision you should make lightly.

Laura Brodnik is Mamamia's Head of Entertainment and host of The Spill podcast. You can follow her on Instagram here.

Feature image: Getty/Instagram.